


Knowing

by seamusdeanforever_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-24
Updated: 2015-10-24
Packaged: 2018-04-27 19:48:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5061694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seamusdeanforever_archivist/pseuds/seamusdeanforever_archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>By Toujours Impur</p><p>Seamus knows that friendship is more important than love</p>
            </blockquote>





	Knowing

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Cora: this story was originally archived at [Seamus/Dean Forever](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Seamus/Dean_Forever), which I opened in 2002, and which was closed in 2005 when the server that hosted it was closed. To re-open the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2015. An announcement was posted to OTW media channels, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this author, please contact me using the e-mail address on the [Seamus/Dean Forever archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/seamusdeanforever/profile).

_The story of a man who was too afraid to fly, so he never did land_

Friends are more important than love. Seamus knows this, and so every time he wants to kiss Dean he doesn't, because friends matter more than crushes do.

He wants to kiss Dean when Dean is drawing, wants to feel those impossibly long fingers intwined with his boring normal ones, wants those fingers to leave charcoal smudges on his cheeks, in his hair, and maybe other places too. But he doesn't, because he's afraid that he'll lose Dean's friendship, and he's afraid that Dean will hate him. And he knows that having something is better than having nothing at all.

He and Dean go swimming regularly, usually at midnight, always together. The moonlight makes Dean a gleaming ebony statue in the water, and Seamus watches the droplets run down his shoulders and knows that he can never be as lucky as those water droplets are. He wants to slide his arms round that thin torso and kiss the nape of Dean's neck, the dip in the middle, but he never does, because he knows that it would change everything, and he's afraid it would change for the worst. He knows he should be happy, so he keeps smiling, keeps cracking jokes, and he knows he'll never be happy enough.

~*¢*~

Dean starts going with Ginny at the end of fifth year, and Seamus thinks in bitter triumph, told you so, although he's not quite sure who to say it to. It just goes to show, he thinks, and he's glad he never did anything, except deep down he's not, really, because a part of him knows that if he had done something maybe Dean wouldn't be laughing with Ginny right this minute.

And when Ginny breaks it off and Dean is quiet, brooding all the time, Seamus wants to be joyous, wants to shout it on the mountaintops that Dean is his friend again, but he just pats Dean on the back and doesn't say anything. He knows that Dean will find someone else, and he knows that it'll never be him. After all, he knows they're just friends.

~*¢*~

Dean and Seamus don't stay in touch after leaving Hogwarts. They try, for a bit, but the gaps between letters grow longer and longer and finally Seamus doesn't get a reply. He doesn't write again because he knows that it's not worth pursuing, because Dean is sure to have something else he wants to do more than write to Seamus.

Seamus remembers thinking that friendship is more important than love, and thinking that friendship lasts longer, and he wonders if both are always destined to die.

~*¢*~

Seamus gets word from Harry that Dean is dying, from an eagle owl that swoops in just as Seamus unlocks the door to his flat. The thing Muggles call cancer, writes Harry. Seamus only reads far enough to find out where Dean is, and then he Disapparates with a pop, leaving the paper to fall cliched to the floor.

Seamus finds a crowd waiting for him when he Apparates into Dean's flat. Ginny, Hermione, Harry (Draco Malfoy? Why the hell is Draco Malfoy here?) Neville, Ron. They all stand as he appears, Ginny to take his coat, Hermione to kiss him on the cheek, Harry to hug him awkwardly and say some sort of apology, Ron, patting his back, Neville, eyes brimming with tears, and Malfoy, well, Malfoy just slides an arm round Harry and looks proprietary. Seamus is glad to know that some things don't change.

They all sit down again once they realise Seamus isn't moving, and he looks to Harry, feeling like a lost little boy in Knockturn Alley. "He's in the bedroom," Harry says gently. "I'll show you." Seamus wasn't aware that he had asked.

"He always told me not to write to you," Harry murmurs as he turns the knob quietly. Seamus blinks. "He said that you didn't need to be bothered." Seamus wants to smack Dean. "He always asked for you though, when he was asleep or delirious." Harry says the last word with some trepidation. Seamus thinks that Dean was always delirious and it's not anything new. "Anyway, I thought it was time for you to know, and he's getting too weak to protest."

Seamus is faintly surprised by how thin Dean is. His eyes flutter open as they come in, and he almost smiles to see Seamus. "Sorry, Seam," he says croakily. "Not much of a reunion, is it."

Seamus shakes his head mutely and sits down beside the bed. He looks down at his hands, and Harry leaves the room. He can't think of anything to say, and Dean closes his eyes again.

He still wants to kiss Dean, though, even if he is gaunt and worn. But he knows he shouldn't startle Dean, not when he's like this.

~*¢*~

The Healers have stopped coming, and Seamus is fairly sure why. He sits with Dean almost all the time now, never talking, just sitting, and being friends. Dean smiles weakly every time he sees Seamus, which makes Seamus want to cry and smile back at the same time.

It is one of these quiet moments when Dean suddenly says, "Seam.." It is the first word he's said in ages and Seamus is surprised. Dean's breathing becomes odd, and Seamus feels very, very cold.

He reaches to take Dean's hand in his, knowing nothing and everything all at once, and can't feel anything when Dean's long, long fingers close gently round his. "Seam.." He says again, and Seamus leans over him and finally, finally kisses him, knowing what is going to happen, knowing, and not caring. He pulls back, and Dean smiles a bit. It would be his last.

~*¢*~

Seamus knows a lot, now, and it's all very different from what he used to think he knew.

Harry gives Seamus a packet of letters. "I found them in his desk," says Harry, and Disapparates.

_Dear Seamus,_

_I wrote you back, but I don't know if you got it because I sent it by Muggle post because my owl was sick. I want to write you again but I don't know if I should, wouldn't you be annoyed? I'll just wait._

_I miss you, Seam._

_Dear Seamus,_

_Another month and no replies. I know I should write you again but I'm afraid to, because I'm afraid you'll say another something about how great your life is and I'll feel left out again._

_Don't you want to see me? I want to see you._

_Dear Seamus,_

_Where are you? Why don't you write? You know your owl would find me. I miss you so much, I want to hear from you even if you say your life is perfect._

_Maybe I'll send this letter. I don't know if I will, though, because maybe your girlfriend will read this and think I'm gay or something._

_Maybe I am._

_I miss you._

_Dear Seamus,_

_The Healers say that there's no way to fix what I've got. I guess there's no point in telling you though, I don't want you to be worried. Smiles always make people look better._

_I wish you were here, though. It would make the pain a little bit easier._

_Dear Seamus,_

_I can't write properly anymore, it takes a lot of effort. I suspect Harry will contact you soon, but I like writing these anyway, I can tell you things that I don't tell anybody else._

_I wish we'd been more than friends. You were always more than a friend to me._

_I hope I see you soon._

_I love you, Seamus._

Seamus knows, more than anything, now, three small words that he reads over and over. He knows also two words that will bring him everything he wanted and thought he didn't and couldn't know, and with the wandtip at his throat he knows now that friendship and love never die.


End file.
